the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
