i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize