My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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