Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
