Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
