genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
