You made me cry and you don't even care
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
