Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
