You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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