At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
