I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
