My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
