I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
