You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
