Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
