How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
