Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
