she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize