There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He shit in the fireplace
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
