Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
