did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
There are leaves in my underwear?
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