so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
