I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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