I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
