so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
