what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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