I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize