I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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