i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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