I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
