Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
