so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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