just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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