my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize