I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
