He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
