He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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