Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize