you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
