I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
