Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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