College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
