I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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