i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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