Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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