I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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