Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
