I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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