anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
