So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This is the high leading the old right now
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
