Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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