i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
