you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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