don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
