so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
